How to make cake balls

Full disclosure: this recipe comes from The Pioneer Woman.


So you want to make cake balls. This is a big time in your life, and full of change. I've created a special guide to help you along.

First, make an apron with Toto's face on it. Then put it on.



Second, make a cake. I was feeling pretty lazy and the recipe said it was ok, so I used a box. Specifically, I used Betty Crocker's new gluten-free cake mix. God bless those Better Crocker people for making really good and readily accessable mixes for lazy Celiacs.



Third, cut a hole in the box.

No, wait, that's a different project.

Third, crumble up the cake using your fingers until you get tired of that and go get a pastry cutter.



Fourth, get that blackberry-creamcheese icing out of your fridge that you have left over from when you made cupcakes for your statistics class. Dump that random amount of icing in there and mix it all up with the pastry cutter, your new best friend.



Fifth, roll it up into balls. This part is really tedious. You should probably get someone who's a perfectionist to come over and do it for you. Seriously, this part is boring. The recipe makes millions of tiny little balls and they'd probably be cuter if they were all the same shape and size.



Sixth, use your engineering degree to make a structure that allows two trays of balls to be in the freezer at the same time. You want them to be really firm so that they don't fall apart during the next step. While they're doing that, get yourself caught up on Lost theories or watch Millionaire Matchmaker. You have some time to kill.



Seventh, melt the chocolate you got at Micheal's in the beautiful double boiler you inherited from your mom. You can cut it with a little shortening to make it even easier to spread. But remember: sell it like it's totally pure.



Eight is the tricky part. You have to get the balls evenly coated in chocolate without them falling apart and then get them to emerge from the chocolate while still looking reasonable. I used a spatula, a knife, a fork, cursing, and gravity. It's important to keep a terrier in your kitchen to lick up all the spilled and dripped chocolate, as well.

Eventually your balls will look like so:



I made white ones, red ones, and white ones drizzled in red. Cause I'm fancy.

Now here's the real secret to making beautiful cake balls: destroy any evidence of funny-looking ones. This can be tricky, but I'm sure you and your quality control guy will find a way.



Happy Cake Balling.